I didn’t realize I would feel this depressed. I am annoyed with life. I am annoyed with myself. I want to punch everyone in sight. I want to hug everyone in sight. I laugh for no reason and then, suddenly, I feel like my life is over and I sob and hug myself in desperation…because I feel like I lost my best friend. I think I made the right decision, ending this relationship. I hope I made the right choice.
At the beginning, I THOUGHT you were always there for me through everything. You were there for me when I was happy, nervous, scared, bored, sad or anxious. You were there for me when I lost my job and there for me before and after countless interviews. You were there for me when I wanted to give up and were there for me when I finally landed a full time career. I could always count on you. You led me to believe I was in control of my own happiness, but that’s where you got me. I was only in control of my own happiness as long as you were around, thus, you really controlled me.
Little did I know, you were sneaking around behind my back, planning to ruin my life later on down the road and were emotionally abusing me by making me dependent on your friendship. I had to be with you daily and I couldn’t go anywhere without you–I could never do anything on my own. I had to know and check that you were right there with me at all times. I couldn’t make any decisions for myself, I had to consult you. I couldn’t make any longterm commitments with anything or anyone else because I would miss you terribly and you knew this. I had to work my schedule around your schedule. You wouldn’t let me do things like get in shape, or even laugh, without reminding me of your presence.
I had to keep you a secret from my family. We both knew what my family would think of our relationship if they knew how I was treated mentally and physically. If my family knew, they would have told me to get out of this relationship a long time ago–would have told me to never have even started it in the first place.
So, instead of being blindsided down the road like in my past relationship, I’m the one who took the lead on this one. I breaking it off. I’m ending it.
I’m trying, but like any bad break up, I am still feeling raw. I’m remembering all the good times and conveniently forgetting the bad–like remembering how much fun we had hanging out in my car together all that time, keeping each other company. Remembering all of those important events we shared together, sharing my happiness and successes with you–only to conveniently forget the terrible things you would do to me. I still don’t feel quite like myself and I feel like something is missing. It feels like there is a huge part of myself, my life, that is gone–especially since I wasted seven years of my life getting to know you and sharing our lives together.
This loneliness makes me want to go back, just one more time, for closure. But I know, like before, I’ll end up feeling worse and more alone than ever because it just won’t feel the same and I’ll be reminded of why it ended in the first place.
Like with my previous break up, it will take me a while to get used to you not being there and it will take me a while to realize you really aren’t coming back. In the past, it took time for me to become an independent person again, but as time went on and the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how bad that previous relationship was for me. It made me weak, meek and not my personal best. The good times and memories will fade away and I’ll begin to remember how bad it truly was with you.
I’ll have to learn to be independent and my own person without you. Only then will I find my true friends, loves and passions. I’ll find something great, something that makes me feel whole and wonderful and that I can do anything. Something that makes me feel strong. Something that makes me feel worthwhile and not scared, anxious, and easily sickened. Something that isn’t killing me, mentally or physically, and lets me be my own person where I’m free to be myself and do what I want on my own time and not have to answer to them. Something that makes me love myself and feel comfortable in my own skin, just like when I found my husband.
So goodbye cigarettes. I thought we were a perfect match, but I was sorely mistaken. You made me feel like I couldn’t live without you–that I needed you. But, like getting over a bad break up, I have to remember that this will get easier with time and soon, I wont even think about you at all. You will be a distant memory and something better will come along. Getting rid of you is a sign of loving myself and taking care of myself. I just have to take it one day at a time. The ache will go away. The longing will fade. It will get easier every day and soon, I will truly be free.