Fear

Lately, I’ve been terrified to write anything in here. And it sucks, because I used to love writing in this space so much. When I really kept up with this blog, I wasn’t afraid of what I posted, because it really didn’t matter. I didn’t really worry about what anyone thought. Then, the last four years, it suddenly felt like it mattered. A lot. When I worked at the law firm, I was afraid to have my own opinion about anything, fearing I would be “found out” and offending my bosses or someone at the firm and lose my job because I didn’t hold the same beliefs as others there. Or the collective “They” would figure out I really didn’t fit in there and my “jig would be up.” They would call me out for the fraud I really felt I was.

Now, I feel like since it’s linked to my professional page for freelance writing and editing, I’m afraid of writing anything that won’t help promote my “brand” or my “image.” Or worst of all, prevent me from getting clients, because if they see my musings and my not-quite-copy-edited-enough words on a blog post, they would think that I can’t write after all and they’ll go to someone else whose blog is more polished, professional and on topic with popular culture and “important things.”

I’ve decided today, for better or worse, to no longer be afraid. Believe it or not, since I took that scary step of branching off on my own, I’ve gained more confidence in myself—not only as a professional, but as a person—since I left the corporate environment. I want to continue this feeling of confidence and go back to not being afraid to say what I want to say and feel what I want to feel, no matter how mundane or run-on-sentencey it may be. (And make up words if I want to.) Have the courage to write about whatever I feel that day, no matter how many mean “haters” there are lurking on the Internet, waiting to troll and to be condescending, while safely behind their computer screens. Not being afraid that the content and writing I decide to post on here won’t “generate revenue,”  “cultivate more clients,” or be a good “representation of my brand.” (But, seriously, more clients would be awesome, please and thank you.)

I made this decision to work from home in order to feel like I had more control over my life. To make more time to do the things I enjoy and make me happy, while still bringing home a paycheck and contributing to my family financially. Making a career out of something I feel passionately about. One of those things that made me happy was writing whatever I wanted to write, for fun, on this blog and elsewhere. So not doing so defeats part of the purpose of me quitting, and I feel also negates a lot of the sacrifices my husband and I made in order for me to do this.

So, with that said, if you’re someone looking for my professional writing content, (please) feel free to visit my professional web page with writing samples at abigalewrites.com. If you get bored easily while reading about other people’s lives and don’t like reading about cats, recipes, working from home and just generally living life, then feel free to unfollow or ignore my posts.

The way I see it, it’s no fun being a Writer with a capital “W” if you don’t do any writing for pleasure. That’s kind of the point, isn’t it?


2 thoughts on “Fear

  1. It’s a fine line to walk, that writer’s straight and narrow: to say what we are inspired to say, to write with that passion we are required to claim with gusto. Suddenly, we realize, “people are actually reading our writing,” and we wonder about audience perception and public opinion. Meanwhile, our poor muse is sitting there silently, poking us on the shoulder, asking us, do you write because you love to write or because you love when you are read?

    I can speak only for myself: I write not for the opinion of others, but for the sheer joy of basking in the glory of the gift given by my Creator, the Author and Finisher of my faith.

    If what I write is meant to please others or gain praise for myself, then I’m writing to be read.

    Instead, I try to focus on giving my talent to God, by praising him in word and in story; then, I’m probably less concerned with my readers (although they are important to me, valued and respected); and I make it an important to build a more certain creative relationship between my God and my gift of writing.

  2. Hi, Miranda! Thank you for your thoughtful response! It is a fine line to walk, and it seems like you have a great mindset when it comes to writing. I appreciate you reading!

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